So, I was watching SNL last week and Bowen Yang mentioned Raya (it was the first time I’d heard of it). For all you uninitiated, it’s known as a dating app for celebrities. Technically, it’s not just for dating (...one of the fun facts I learned while doing some doom-scrolly research). Despite hearing things like “most people on it are ‘entrepreneurs’ and finance bros,” courtesy of OrdinaryExample9618 (reddit), I wanted to apply (you can't just be on this dating site). Mind you I'm not an entrepreneur, nor a finance bro, and as of the date of application, definitely not a celebrity. I have under 100 Instagram followers. But, I came to find out that the alpha-types OrdinaryExample observed aren't really the demographic the founder was trying to attract when the platform was conceived. Raya's founder, Daniel Gendelman, had wanted an exclusive club for creative-types (which I am). So, maybe I do have a shot, I thought. Due to my reject-level-online-influence, it's a longshot, but it's a shot nonetheless. Read Can Illuminati Tinder Save Us All? to learn about the selection algorithm from Gendelman himself.
I unlocked my Pixel, navigated to the Google Play Store, and searched for Raya. I downloaded “the app,” and started filling out the application/profile. What I didn’t realize at the time is that Raya is only available on iOS and that when I searched for it on my Android device only sponsored apps came up. I had just selected the first one, MillionaireMatch. I have no desire to explain the premise of this site. So, I didn't have the app, I had an app. The point is I wrote an entire essay on myself. When I realized that I was on the wrong app and got over to Raya, well, they only want a few basic details and your Instagram handle.
So that’s the point of this little story. I really liked some of the stuff I wrote and I don’t have anything to do with it. So why not throw it on the inter-webs in hopes that someone will see it on Instagram, like it, and we end up DM-ing and having sex. OK before you cringe I can't take credit for that last joke. That too was inspired by an SNL sketch: Why'd You Like It?
(queue voice of Kenan Thompson) “The game show where we ask contestants, why'd you like it?”
Let's be real people, 99.9999999999% of likes on Instagram are about sex in some way, shape, or form. So, without further ado, my unrealized (yet) and unlikely (ever) Raya profile:
PROFILE HEADLINE
another drunk aspiring writer
ABOUT ME
People used to tell me I looked like Derek Jeter.
The confidence of Channing Tatum masking the self-esteem of George Constanza.
The artistry and vision of Christopher Nolan (pre-Tenet) with the film experience of that homeless guy by Popeyes on W95th.
Somewhere between stupid and brave, humble and broken, openminded and too-smart-for-my-own-damn-good.
Future NY Times Bestseller!
I realize bios aren’t everyone’s thing. Maybe you liked my pictures. Or maybe you thought my headline was interesting, albeit written by someone with a less than stellar chance at becoming a bestseller.
It’s not lost on me that someone who writes is simply a writer and not an “aspiring writer.” I do write, but @anotherdrunkaspiringwriter has been my handle since 2016, since a time when I paid significantly less attention to semantics. I did more drinking than writing back then. I don’t drink anymore, but I’m still a drunk. I need to remember that. So the handle remains.
I guess you could say that I’m “aspiring” to be successful and haven’t broken through yet but that’s not entirely the case either. Yes, we’re gonna talk about what it means to “have” success in this country… sorry I’m a dad.
My first novel was not good and was not published so I spent some time in a writers group working short stories. Currently, I’m working on a memoir in the vein of Another Bullshit Night In Suck City by Nick Flynn. I have a cinema camera that I tinker around with. My creativity flows from prose to screenplay and back again. I was accepted as a graduate MFA candidate at Columbia in 2022 (Writing - Nonfiction) and I couldn’t attend due to the fact that, well, the offer was rescinded, basically (more on that in the memoir). The next year Tisch/NYU interviewed me for the Grad Film program (they passed). The callback from NYU is what I’m highlighting.
Considering I'm 41 years old I realize highlighting these not-even-achievements is somewhat desperate or entirely desperate but feel free to read something that I’ve written (on my website) and decide for yourself if I’m a creative genius who’s about to break-out or some random weirdo on the internet who should be avoided at all costs. The anecdotes about the schools are just to encourage anyone who may be on the fence - I won’t be a complete waste of your time. At some point, some pretty influential institutions almost saw something in me. It doesn't get me down. I'm all the more motivated.
I believe George Saunders. To write a decent story is such a huge and unlikely accomplishment that we shouldn't care how long it takes. How much time would you be willing to spend to create something that lasts forever?
In other news, US Magazine reported that Channing Tatum was on this site and his profile stated, “I used to be a stripper.” Then I googled it and found out that he really was. Ok me too. Myrtle Beach 2003. And a little in 2004. And then just a tad in Manhattan in 07. I’m no Channing Tatum. I can’t dance. I’m not as attractive. But put us in the same venue (pre-his-fame), I guarantee I would have pulled more money each night. I intuitively understood something that he probably did not: I don’t care who you are - a man in a thong is a terrible thing. Once that fabric gets nice and snug against your taint, as a man, you have nothing to offer the opposite sex that they won't feel badly about the next morning or in a year or later the same night. By and large you're better off selling your services as a punishment than a prize. This flies in the face of conventional male-stripper-wisdom.
More about me:
Former Marine. Live in Jersey. Have a small place on the UWS too. I do yoga. Into nutrition, meditation, longevity. I want to retire in Greece.
A thousand summers on the Greek islands would hardly be enough.
I love my kids. I’m building them a treehouse. No that’s an understatement. I’m building them a house that happens to have some trees around it.
Wow, if you’ve made it this far, you’re amazing. I promised you a discussion on success. Perhaps not everyone on this app is on the same page with respect to what it means. Here's where I'm at, and if I'm not mistaken, it's in line with the ethos here, or at least in line with what this space was intended for originally. I read Can ‘Illuminati Tinder’ Save Us All, the NY Times article by Kevin Roose, where he gained access to this app’s founder, Daniel Gendelman. I was impressed. Raya, Gendleman says, is “for passionate people anywhere in the world who have something they want to share with other members,” and the website reportedly states that “We believe in meeting someone who can change a life.” This is exactly the kind of interaction I've been craving more of, and consequently, one's ability to have this kind of deep and meaningful interaction on a regular basis I believe is the measure of one's success. Not that it can only happen here, but this is the place for artists, in cyberspace.
You know who actually had something important to say on fame and success? Matthew Perry. From his memoir, “You have to get famous to know that it’s not the answer. And nobody who is not famous will ever truly believe that.”
We all suffer from the disease of more. Well, let me speak for myself. I suffer from the disease of more. But there is a solution. Self can't heal self. The sick heal the sick. And how does that work? It works through love. I will “have” success, when I love rightly, my fellow man.
ABOUT MY MATCH
I’m looking for a muse. I’d like something (someone) deep but understand that sometimes things start more casually and other times they don’t.
The muse is definitely not materialistic but she likes nice things as do I. She’s kind, strong, strange. Funny. Creative. Artistic. She’s probably an actress… kind of why I’m on Raya. Every director (or “aspiring director” lol) needs to marry a pretty young actress.
I don’t HAVE to actually get married or be in anything with traditional labels. I’ve been there, done that. But I am open to marriage ONCE more if the situation is right. I wouldn’t mind taking things slow.
If the muse is always leaving town because of her job or something, which has made it hard for her to have relationships in the past, that’s fine with me actually. I can wait. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Being a father is my number one priority. But to be a good dad I need to be good myself, so self-care is huge. I have the kids 50 percent of the time for a week straight. It's Monday to Monday, one week on, one week off. So, on my off-weeks I’ll want to do all the things: relax, and recharge, go out in the city, travel if something good is going on.
I’m looking to form a true partnership. For someone who can appreciate what I have to offer. I want to love unconditionally.